Shattered Shield
by LuigiWife1551
Summary: Raphael realizes with Leonardo, he doesn't have to keep his shields up and guard his emotions any longer. His brother was home, and with time, the family would be complete, and in a sense, so would he. Rated for language.


**Hello all! More fluffy Ninja Turtle brotherly love today, yay!**

 **I decided this would go along with my first one, 'Returned' as one of those companion fics, mostly because I couldn't find any way to make this a chapter story. It came out much better this way, so here we go- this time, with Leo and Raph. This is entirely in Raph's POV.**

 **Enjoy! I own nothing. Rated for many 'f' bombs and other language.**

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 **Shattered Shield**

 _ **Does he fuckin' understand I don't want to be bothered tonight?! Damn liar!**_

 _ **Two years... two whole years he left us alone, comes back out of nowhere, and expects us to fall in line like little soldiers?! HELL NO!**_

 _ **I was so angry at him when he finally decided to bring his sorry ass back... I was angry and I will even admit, I was hurt, but I was glad... I knew he was okay, and he was alive, but he left us alone for too damn long!**_

 _ **He didn't know about my side job as the Nightwatcher, and at the time, I didn't give a damn if he did. He wasn't going to stop me, no matter what. I was still gonna do me, and he was just gonna have to deal with it.**_

 _ **So when me and him fought on that rooftop, I felt like I finally had... a chance, almost. I could finally tell him how much hell we all went though, how sick I made our own father because of my reckless behavior and hiding the vigilante work from him, how stressed out Don became trying to take over Leo's position and changing into a turtle he wasn't supposed to fuckin' be!**_

 _ **Mikey had it hard, too. He was struggling to keep himself annoying ol' Mikey, but even he changed because of this bastard. He was crying every night, crying for a brother who wasn't home, and me and him got into so many pointless arguments... we all changed and it was HIS fault!**_

 _ **That night, it was rainin'. Still remember that. It wasn't cold like regular rain, but the water itself felt like ice to me. My chest hurt that night, too... a strange guilt, scared, loneness type of thing.**_

 _ **Ya ever felt like something is just... trying to tell you something? That you should just heed the warnin' and stop what ya about to do? I felt like that but I chose to ignore it. The only thing I felt was RAGE.**_

 _ **How dare he try and act like nothing wasn't wrong?! EVERYTHING was wrong and it was his fault!**_

 _ **"Well maybe I don't want to be led!" I yelled at him, anger cloudin' my vision. Leo's pissin' me off... he's REALLY pissin' me off!**_

 _ **Then he said something that REALLY sent me over the edge.**_

 _ **"You aren't ready! You're impatient and hot tempered and more importantly... I'm better than you.'**_

 _ **That was it. I decided to shut up up once and for all, and I let my sai do the talking.**_

 _ **Everything became a blur after that. And it was when my sai was an inch from his face... that I realized what kind of monster I had become.**_

 _ **I gained the upper hand, and Leo's katana broke, and I had it pointed in his face... I was so close to spilling his blood and I wanted to do it... I had wanted to murder my own flesh and blood because I couldn't stop my own damn rage...**_

 _ **Leo was scared. He never spoke a word that night, just looked at me with this... damn pity look. He had to have been scared, but if he was, he ain't say anythin'. Just stared at me.**_

 _ **I remember somethin' else, too. His heart... it was racin' like hell under my hand. I was pressin' against his chest that hard I coulda... I really coulda...**_

 _ **All I could think about was ending his life... and that's what scared the hell out of me the most.**_

 _ **Afterwards, everything else was just... a blur. I ran off, and I felt sick. I didn't know Leo had gotten captured until I got home, and I remember I was holding his broken katana and presenting them to my father...**_

 _ **When we went to save him, there was this... I can't explain it. Like a moment where all I wanted to do was just... cry in his arms. We had just gotten him back and thanks to me, he was taken away from us and could've been killed!**_

 _ **But just like my baby bro, I kept up my tough guy facade. I didn't want Leo to see how scared and weak I was.**_

 ** _The damn bastard knew anyways._**

 ** _It was probably a month or something around those lines after the whole Winters incident finally calmed down. Leo was up as always trainin' his ass off. Masta Splinter had gone to sleep earlier, and Mikey and Don were over at April and Casey's for a movie. I didn't feel much like goin'. Had too much on my mind._**

 ** _"You're still up, Raph?"_**

 ** _Leo leans over the couch I'm sittin' in and stares at me. I don't look back but I answer him anywas, bein' the smartass I am. "Obviously, idiot."_**

 ** _He chuckles lightly before he hops over and sits next to me, and I assume his training is done for the night. It's like, 1:10 in the morning, just sayin'._**

 ** _"Why you still up, Fearless? Shouldn't you be sleepin' for training in the morning?" I ask, my mouth twitching into a smirk when he rolls his eyes and flips the TV channel._**

 ** _"Ha ha. Funny, but no. So I guess we're watching TV then. Unless you had someplace you had to be...?" He mentions that last part as a question and I know what he's gettin' at. I'd normally be out with Case right now but I just didn't feel like it._**

 ** _I didn't have time with my own big brother. And we had to talk._**

 ** _"Nooooope, Fearless. Unless ya had somethin' else to be doin'...?" I toss the question right back at him. He looked at me and says, "Nope. Nothing. Should probably get Mikey and Donnie is a few, though..."_**

 ** _So we leave it at that. He keeps flipping channels for a minute until he settles on some random infomercial and tossed the remote aside. I'm not really paying any mind to the thing; I'm still lost in my own world._**

 ** _"Hey, Raph! Hello?" Snapping sounds cause me to look around in confusion before I remember who's next to me._**

 ** _"What is it now, Leo..." I groan in annoyance._**

 ** _"You tell me. You spaced out for a long while. Are... you okay?" He's lookin' at me with that damn worry and concern shit and I feel weird. Like honestly, it's kinda... strange. Not uncomfortable, but... weird. It's been a long time since I'd seen that._**

 ** _"... I'm fine." My face is kinda hot as I growl in annoyance. Leo waits._**

 ** _See, my brother was born with somethin' I can also admit I don't got- a WHOLE lotta patience. Guess that's why he's also our leader..._**

 ** _Leo shrugs but decides not to push it. We go back to listenin' to the boring shit he put on. I don't even think he's paying it any mind. I'm not. I'm busy tryin' to figure out how to phase the one question I've wanted to ask since... that incident._**

 ** _"Leo... back when we fought... were you... you know... scared of me?" I struggle to ask. It feels so weird..._**

 ** _I hear Leo humming next to me and lean more into the couch. He stares at the TV screen for who knows how long before he finally decides to answer me, and when he does, I... I feel more guilt crashing on top of what I already had._**

 ** _"I'll be honest... yes. I was scared of you." he starts slowly, as if he can't bear to imagine his little brother so deadly and insane. I knew he was, I just wanted to hear him say it. I can't hide the hurt that resonates within me._**

 ** _I fucked up so bad back then and I could've done so much better..._**

 ** _"But it wasn't YOU I was scared of. Good grief, I don't know how to explain this..." He paused again, sighing and closing his eyes. I finally work up the courage to look at him. He's lookin' at his hands, probably tryin' to figure out what to say next._**

 ** _"I was more afraid of who you were becoming... Raph, I don't know what I've ever done to deserve your hatred, and I still don't know and it scares the living crap out of me... YOU scare me."_**

 ** _"Dammit, its not about that! I don't HATE YOU!" I let out in a sudden outburst, growing so mad I could punch him in his face! I hate it when he sounds like that!_**

 ** _He looks at me, and that flashback from that night assaults me... his eyes... they're always full of pity for me, but now its something more... its sadness... I can't stand it!_**

 ** _"Raph, I don't get you at all..." Leo mutters. I'm mad and stand up, pacing back and forth, trying to calm down._**

 ** _"You think I know?! I can't fuckin' understand myself either! I almost tried to take ya damn eyes out! I blamed you for everything happening to us since you left because I know it was YOUR fault!" I rant._**

 ** _"Mikey changed, Donnie changed, I CHANGED! Masta tried to keep us united but... crime never stopped and you just... you weren't THERE..."_**

 ** _Leo reached out and pulled on my arm, causing me to fall into his chest. I feel my face burning up. "Wha- huh?! The fuck?! Let me go!"_**

 ** _"No, Raph. I won't."_**

 ** _He starts stroking my head, and I shudder as I feel my walls falling one by one. He's breaking me... how does he do that? WHY does he do that?!_**

 ** _"I don't want to fear you, otouto. I don't want to fear who you are because I know you. I know you're angry at me and at the world and at yourself but you will never lower your walls for anyone." he said softly. "Why?"_**

 ** _"Why the hell should I?! I lost my only older brother for TWO FUCKING YEARS! You left us confused and alone and we thought you were dead! You don't understand what we had to go through and how much that hurt!"_**

 ** _Leo stills before he makes a strange sound and places a hand on my face. Out of habit, I look at him, and he's smilin' at me... he knows what I want to say but what my heart won't let me do._**

 ** _"I'm sorry, Raphael." he whispered to me. "I'm so sorry I left you and the younger ones and Father alone. I really had no intention to hurt any of you, and I want you to know that."_**

 ** _"But you DID, Leo. You just... left..." I whisper brokenly. I can't find any anger in me at this point to push away. Was this what I wanted from him? Just to be held like a child... I wanted this?_**

 ** _"I am sorry. I would never hurt you or the others. I swear it... I would rather die than EVER hurt you." he breathed._**

 ** _I just nod. My throat feels way too tight, I feel like I'm being exposed and all I see is my big brother... my brother who is home, who is with me. Its too much, and I damn well admit it._**

 ** _He's tearing my shields, my walls, whatever you call it, he's taking them down... and I don't know how I'm supposed to react._**

 ** _"Why... why did you do that, Leo..." I ask, my voice sounding so small. "I was a mess... and after what I did, I-"_**

 ** _Leo chuckled, and I realized something else. I loved my brother, and with all the hell I've given him, I guess I was just afraid to lose him. To be the reason why he never wanted to come back._**

 ** _I know I'm a handful. I'm angry and I'm sensitive and I'm afraid to open up to them, and I have to learn to accept that._**

 ** _"You know something, while I was in Central America, I had some time to think about something. About myself, about Mikey and Donnie, about Father... and about you."_**

 ** _I look up at him._**

 ** _"I guess... I don't want to be the failure I see myself as. During my stay in Central, I... I had really bad nightmares. For months on end. They were always about you guys. I always see a shadow approaching you, and I'm never strong enough to save you."_**

 ** _I don't reply for a moment. Then I ask, "Leo, what would happen if you did fail us? If you weren't here and we had to face Winters on our own? Do you think we would win?"_**

 ** _That has him stumped. He makes random sounds before he says something I don't catch. I knew it. He doesn't think so, but that's okay._**

 ** _"I thought so. Listen, Leo. And listen well." I sit up and jab a finger in his surprised face._**

 ** _"Ya can't always defend and protect us! Sure, I'm reckless, Mikey's always bein' a clown, Donnie loves all the brainiac shit, and you're always Mr. Perfect. But ya can't always be there to watch over and make sure we don't get ONE scratch!"_**

 ** _I shake my head, lowering my hand. "And I can't hate ya for doin' what you were stuck doin' since we were kids. I don't hate ya at all, I was just... scared. That we lost you and lost our whole family. Leo, you keep us together, whether ya like it or not. But I hate when you have to act so damn stuck up, so damn Fearless and kiss up! It irkes me so bad!"_**

 ** _"I'm not Fearless, Raph. I'm FAR from it." Leo whispers, suddenly drawing his legs on the couch, effectively ending our contact. He rests his head and stares into space._**

 ** _"I'm scared and I have fears, too. But I have to hide it, otherwise I'll drag you all down..."_**

 ** _I nod, putting an arm about him. "I have them, too. As tough as I act, as stubborn as I get, I get scared too. And I got scared that I lost you."_**

 ** _Leo nods before he makes a face. He's abut to say somethin' he never told anyone. I know my big brother better than he thinks. "I'm... scared of heights... I get really dizzy and woozy high up. I hate it." he admitted sheepishly. I smirk at him and he smiles back, even giving me a playful punch in the arm._**

 ** _"If you say one word, Raph, I'll get you!" he laughs. "I know you're scared of bugs, you chicken!"_**

 ** _I join in soon after. "Yeah right, Fearless! I'd like to see you try!"_**

 ** _He makes this face at me, and next thing I know, he launches himself sorta at me and we start wrestling on the ground. It's like old times again; playing around, hearing his genuine laugh, seeing something other than seriousness and thinking and trainin' until he passes out._**

 ** _Soon, we quiet down and resume the peaceful silence, just staring at a TV screen and sitting on the ground. Leo's got me close to him at this point, and I'm resting my head on his leg. I'm not so annoyed anymore. Mikey and Don aren't home yet to see this, or, boy oh boy would there have been trouble!_**

 ** _"Raph..."_**

 ** _"Yeah?"_**

 ** _"Seriously, I... I'm sorry that I hurt you."_**

 ** _I nod and sit up to be closer to resting my head on his shoulder. I don't want to hear about it anymore, and I think Leo realizes it too. We sit together and for once, me and him, we can enjoy this moment._**

 ** _The next thing I hear is Leo whispering, "Oyasuminasai, Raphael. I love you." Huh... good night. I must've fallen asleep. Or maybe he did... eh, whatever. It's late. And I don't care who sees us. I know Mike's gonna snuggle with me and Donnie's gonna snuggle with Leo, once they get home. Its how it always been._**

 ** _It was simple but it was enough. I let Leo see the pain I hid for so long, and for once, I think me and Leo finally let those old wounds... heal. Its good, you know. Letting this go._**

 ** _I will never change who I am. But I will never stop fighting with and for my family._**

 ** _Yeah, we strike hard and we fade into the night. And don't get me wrong, I sure as hell love being a turtle! We protect, we fight for good, but I think sometimes, we forget about the most important battle._**

 ** _Leo always reminds us. We have to stay together or its gonna be for nothin'. We would fight for nothing, and lose in the end._**

 ** _I love to fight. I love the rush, I love to know crime will never see another day. But I love my family more. I will always fight to protect each and every one of them because at the end of it, that's really all I got._**

 ** _I think now, we can finally let the past be just that. The past. I think we need it to stay that way, especially me._**

 ** _I can let my guard fall with my brothers, and start towards the future._**

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 **And complete!**

 **I hope it came out okay... I changed the story line around from when I originally developed the darn thing because I didn't like it. :/ I like it this time around so I hope you all did too.**

 **Please leave a review or any advice, and thank you for reading!**

 **Until next time!**


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